No Nasty Surprises - Part Two

Chapter 2: Jack (Sparrow) and the Beanstalk

The piercing light of day brought Jack to his senses. He sneezed as a stray granule of pepper found its way up his nose. The pirate captain found himself standing in an overgrown garden populated with chickens. With an eerie calmness, he turned slowly in a circle and collected his thoughts.

We're still in the book. A book of fairy stories. Jade...what did I...oh, not good...

Where was she? Jack peered over the garden fence to see rolling farm fields and beaten country paths. Adjoining the garden was a cottage very similar to the one in which he had...seen her.

"Jack!"

The voice was female, but it wasn't Jade. It was stern; familiar; and automatically inferred he had done something wrong. Well, that certainly narrowed it down on Jack's list of female acquaintances. He crept over to the cottage and peered his head around the doorframe.

Standing at the sink of a pokey kitchen, hands plunged in dishwater, was the slender form of the assassin Surreal SaDiablo. The difference in her was that she wore an apron and a frilly cap.

"There you are -." She paused in scrubbing a plate to frown at him. "What on earth are you wearing?"

"Surreal?"

"You're not wrong. Well? Get your backside in here and show me how much you got for selling that old cow?"

Jack slinked inside cautiously. "Cow? What cow?"

"Sugar, you heard me. Now turn out your pockets and show me the money."

Not knowing what else to do, Sparrow put his hands into his outer pockets and pulled out the only items he could find –

"Beans?" he murmured.

"Hmm?"

Jack gazed awkwardly at the handful of small, green blobs in his palm. "I appear to have beans."

The assassin housewife dried her hands on a towel and gave him an icy stare. "Beans?"

"Aye."

"Beans?" Her eyes blazed. Jack looked nervously from her to the kitchen utensils in close proximity. This kind of kitchen had knives. Too many knives.

"They're probably magic beans...?" he said, weakly.

In the same moment that the surreal...Surreal... produced a dagger that looked the spitting image of Jade's, Jack was out of the door and over the fence, not daring to look back.

At least a mile down the country lane, Jack decided that the crazed assassin had not bothered to follow him. Seeing very little alternative to the situation, he kicked aside a clod of earth in the nearest field and buried the beans.

For a minute nothing happened. For a few more minutes, nothing happened and Jack's moustache twitched in annoyance. His boot tapped. Then the ground trembled. The pirate's instinct kicked in. He stepped a few paces backwards. The soil began to crack. Jack bolted for cover as a vast green vine as thick as an oak burst skyward from the field.

"Bloody marvellous," Jack sneered when he deemed it safe to return. "Jack an' the bleedin' beanstalk, am I? This better lead back to the ship or I'm burning me way out."

And he began to climb.

Much to his dismay, not only was the ascent long and tiring but rather than emerging out of the book as he had hoped, he was of course upon a solid cloud at the base of a colossal castle. Yet, for all its immensity, Jack somehow suspected that there was only going to be one or two rooms of any importance inside and the main one was going to be a kitchen.

He was right. What was it with folk tales and kitchens? Pigs lighting fires under chimneys, pies with blackbirds, ovens in gingerbread houses...damned unsettling was what it was.

In this enormous room, Jack was scaled down sufficiently to be seen as barely two inches tall. In order to get a decent view of the place he had to clamber up the cloth covering the kitchen table, which fortunately was long enough for him to reach at the hem. He took a moment to savour the sense of adventure, exacerbated by the sight of the contents of a huge bowl of fruit. Eagerly, he dashed along the table and tugged at a grape the size of a football. He had to slice the stem with his sword, and soon learned that eating ripe grapes with this small stature was asking for a drowning. He resorted to slicing off slivers of apple – an overall much safer fruit.

Jack's feast was disturbed by a terrible booming voice, to which his reaction was to dive headlong into the fruit bowl.

"Fee, fie, foe, fum! Ai smell the blood of an Englishmun!"

You have got to be joking.

In giant-size glory, the imposing hulk of Davy Jones stomped into the room, the tentacles of his beard coiling in his constant ire, peg leg thundering on the stone floor.

"Be he alive orr be he daid, ai'll grrind hes bow-uns tae make mai brread..."

As quietly as he could, Jack smacked himself in the forehead. He soon froze beneath the shadow that engulfed the table. Jones' slimy suckered hand was swooping in like a manta ray, when –

"Jones!" an equally loud voice bellowed. Aside from his confusion, Jack felt a wave of relief wash over him. "What yeh blath'rin about out there? Get back 'ere an' sweep these stairs!"

Grumbling, the monstrously towering version of Jones left the room once more. Jack gave it a few minutes before shifting aside a banana the size of a log. He had one foot out of the bowl when he heard the stamping of another great pair of feet approach. He tumbled backwards beneath the fruit.

"Bugger."

The giant stepped into the kitchen and eyed the surfaces dubiously. "I know yer there. Come out whoever y'are an' stop sneakin' about."

Jack staggered upright and peered out at the inquisitive and immense form of –

"Jade!"

The girl in question snapped her gaze to the kitchen table for the source of the quiet voice. There, balancing upon an orange, having located his hat after his fall, was the diminutive figure of the pirate captain, waving his arms enthusiastically.

The giantess frowned. "'m I s'posed to know yeh or summing?"

Descending to the tabletop, Jack called, "'S me, Jack. You don't remember? You. Me. Fell into a book together? Still in it, truth be told."

Jade only looked puzzled. "I think I'd recall someone as tiny as you if I'd seen yeh before."

"You weren't always so...huge," the pirate replied. "Matter o' fact, your custom height is well-nigh adorable." He smirked, but the expression swiftly dropped into an 'o' of apprehension under the great woman's withering stare. He attempted again. "Can you honestly say that this is all you wanted from life? A dingy old cove, living with old squid-features?"

The giantess mulled his words over, studying the doll-like intruder with a nagging sense of the forgotten. Her copious green eyes caught sight of the sword sheathed at his side. She trembled suddenly. The indentations on her right ear stung.

"Jack..."

"Aye?"

Shaking in humiliated rage, Jade's hand shot out and snatched the pirate from the table, bringing him within an almost deafening proximity of her face. "You bastard." Her lips thinned to frame her exposed teeth. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't squash yeh."

Peering timidly over the restraint of her index finger, Jack was unable to prevent himself uttering a meek: "Because I'm devastatingly handsome?" The near death experience he subsequently suffered made him cough all air from his lungs.

"Y' tried to eat me!"

"-" Jack wheezed.

Jade slackened her grip with reluctance.

"That...was not...me, Jade." He pushed against the crushing wall of her palm. "My profound apologies...I'm sorry. It was no intention on my part to harm you."

The young woman sighed impatiently, the sound like a wave breaking upon rocks. She slowly uncurled her fingers and tilted her hand so the pirate lay flat. Jack sat up, wincing at his aching muscles.

"I'm assuming you've had little chance to work out how to get out of here?" he said.

"None whatsoever," was the sour response, "but speakin' from experience 's fair t' suggest we finish the story or move to another, mebbe? A book brought me here. P'r'aps there're more like it. In fact, there's a library in 'ere but Jones won't let me go in. Watchin' the door all the time."

Her calculating glance stole across the precariously situated Jack.

"You'll be wantin' a diversion I take it?" he hazarded.

"Aye."

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So it was Jack found himself fleeing the castle in the clouds with a golden egg in one hand and a goose the size of an alsatian tucked under his other arm. The latter loot was honking and flapping dangerously in reply to the furious roar echoing from its previous owner. When he had negotiated his way back down the beanstalk, Surreal was waiting for him.

"How dare you run off and climb a bloody great plant while your poor mother worries herself to death?"

Jack ducked a swipe from the glittering white knife. The goose ducked too and then resumed trying to peck his fingers off. "Ow! My mother? What are you babbling about, woman?"

Tears shone in her enraged eyes. "Why you insolent little -." She broke off at the sight of the gleaming egg in Jack's right palm. "What is that?"

Albeit with a hint of regret, the Captain improvised and offered it out to her.
"Oh, this? It's for you. Best mum in the world an' all that." He tapped its surface softly. "Solid gold. And this," he added, burdening her with the huge mass of poultry, "is what lays 'em. Now, I think that more than covers the expense of the cow. So I'll be takin' this..." Jack plucked Jade's dagger from Surreal's hand, "...and I'm off."
Stunned, the copy of the assassin watched him clamber back up the beanstalk and disappear through the clouds.

Back at the castle, having made sure the coast was clear, Jack ascended to the tabletop once more. He waited for what must have been at least half an hour, concealing himself beneath the lid of the butter dish. At last came the muffled din of large footsteps intending to be quiet.

"Jack? Y' there?" came the hurricane whisper of the giantess. There came the grating of porcelain and the tiny pirate emerged.

"Aye. Didjer find a way out?"

Jade looked shifty for a moment. "Well, y'see, I only had a little bit 'f time an' there were so many books. I'd need t' get in f'r longer, much longer."

Jack sighed irritably and walked across the table towards her. "Honestly, missy, what happened to those wiles o' yours? I risked me neck pilferin' that overgrown bird, up an' down that bloody vine and brought back your knife, an' what've you got t' show? Peanuts. You – whoah!" He broke off, his buttered soles slipping, pitching him off the edge, the grim expanse of stone floor rising to shatter his frame.

Jade snatched him from the air. Despite his incensing words, she did not squeeze. The panic of the fall made the pirate wrap himself about her thumb, eyes clamped shut.

"Ta..." he said weakly. He did not open his eyes again until he was safely back upon the table.

"It might be our only chance t' get away," she said. "Y' need to let Jones act'ally see yeh an' chase yeh, or find summat t' get rid of 'im completely."

"If I let 'im see me, he'll just catch up with one leap and step on me. Simple as that."

Jade was pacing now, the thud of her boots trembling through Jack's bones. "But you're Jack. Not you Jack, but Jack-an'-the-beanstalk Jack. It shouldn't let y' die. That's not the story. If I'm right, yeh just need to steal summat else."

The pirate snorted. "I 'ave precious little fondness for 'if's."

Jade rubbed at the small space of forehead below her blue bandanna. "Please, Jack? Jus' try. I can't stay here." She looked down at him, enormous green eyes shimmering with blackmail. "'m scared that come nightfall I'll have t' go upstairs with ol' Octobeard. All those...tentacles..." She chewed her thumb nervously.

Jack clenched his jaw at her plea and rolled his eyes. "All right, fine. What can I steal to get his attention then? Was there not a singin' harp or some'ing?"

Jade frowned. "I think I would've noticed summat like that hangin' about. 'N anyways I don't know why they ever called it a harp. Y' can't carry a harp even if y' normal size. Must've been a lyre."

Jack nodded, twiddling his beard. "Aye, though I'd be more inclined to say 'ignorant'."

"I didn't mean –." Jade growled as Jack smirked up at her. "I think I've got a solution. Stay put." She disappeared through the vast doorway and returned a minute or two later with a metal box. It was heart-shaped and engraved upon its surface was a picture of a crab – also heart-shaped – with an eerie face depicted on its shell. It came up to Jack's knees. "Don' open it 'til I'm well clear or we'll both be f'r it."

Jack crept about it carefully, studying it. "What is it? There's something familiar about that symbol."

"That's yeh singin' harp. Now get distractin'." With that, Jade left the room again.

Jack opened the box.

Inside, cogs began to turn. Pins struck strings. A haunting, tinny melody churned out into the castle. Now where had he heard that before? Either way, it did the trick. He was already on the kitchen floor, the weighty slab of a music box held balanced on his head, when the gargling bellow came from above. The following stamping was like hearing one-legged gods running a relay overhead.

With an anxious grimace playing upon his face, the pirate captain scurried out of the castle and off across the squashy cloud. His arms ached with the strain of holding the box and his ears rang from the volume of its song.

The huge figure of the giant cephalopodan Davy Jones stormed out from the castle gates. Taking enormous strides, he swiftly gained upon Jack. The only thing stopping him from crushing the tiny pirate was the reluctance to damage the music box. His suckered hand swiped out in an attempt to grab both thief and possession. Jack swerved to evade and bobbed down beneath the mists, masking himself enough to misguide any further grabs from Jones.

He reached the top of the beanstalk, its curling tip encircled by the azure blue of the undersky. His looming pursuer roared, charging straight for him.

"Fee, fie, foe -!"

"Oh, fum off!" Jack yelled, and threw the music box through the hole in the clouds. In the small interval of shock he received from Jones, he leapt onto the stalk and clambered downwards as fast as he could. It was not long before the monster grasped the sides of the great plant and began to make his own descent, driven by the need for revenge and the futile hope of regaining his treasure.

Almost at the bottom of the beanstalk, Jack looked up at the daunting shapes of Jones's boots drawing ever closer. Gritting his teeth into a self-encouraging snarl, the Captain drew his cutlass and slashed at the green flesh of the trunk. The beanstalk lurched. Jack dropped the last few feet to the ground and ran full pelt from the scene.

With a horrible groan the gargantuan plant keeled over, bringing the giant with it. The pirate winced as it smashed down upon miles of unluckily situated houses and flattened a great many crops. Nevertheless, he had led Jones into a fatal trap. The huge body of the octopus man lay unmoving on the country lane.

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Sometime later, Jack strode along the extensive kitchen floor of the humongous castle, calling out for the more amiable giantess. He had the strange suspicion that each room he passed only existed whilst he walked through it, a sensation of emptiness creeping at his back through every doorway. At last he found the library. As was necessary for this room in fairytales, the bookcases were as tall as the ceiling and could be accessed with an assortment of ladders and staircases, preferably of the spiralling variety.

Hearing the Captain's voice, Jade hurried down from a higher tier of shelves with an armful of books. "Jack? Y' got rid of 'im?"

"Yep. Would've got 'ere sooner but chopping the magic ladder down was a slight flaw in the plan."

Jade raised an eyebrow. "So how did yeh get back?"

"Well, the thing about beanstalks, love, is that they grow beans. Considering its mutated counterpart grew at a thousand times the rate of a normal plant, it was little surprise to find it had managed to bear fruit with which to grow another one. Now then, found our way out yet, have you?"

The giantess pulled a wry face."Turns out there ain't many books in here as c'n be taken off the shelves. Rest 're jes' fake, meant t' look like 's got a lot of readin' material. All I could find's a few folk books."

She seated herself upon the floor and laid out the books so that Jack could inspect them at his level. Bizarrely, the illustrations on each cover portrayed familiar faces in the fanciful situations. The first his eyes scanned was Puss in Boots, the image of a smug feline standing beside a smiling young man. It was clear that the youth had all the markings of Master Turner, and that 'Puss' could be no other than the tiger-invoked Tam.

He walked past the enormous books, examining each of the titles and cover pictures. Beauty and the Beast – once again with Tam in the drawing, but her cat-like features were barely visible and she was dancing in the arms of an eerily lizardish man. Hansel and Gretel – this one was of Jade and a boy he had once met before. A boy with jet-black hair and sallow face. The next book brought a secret smirk to his lips. Ashputtel. Remarkable how the prince was so scruffy and that the brunette maid's 'glass slipper' was more like a purple boot...

Jade did not seem to have noticed, or was hiding it impeccably. Her attention was upon another book she had open upon her lap.

"Anythin' useful?" Jack asked, only just able to see over her crossed ankles.

"I d'no. Not really. Only -."

"Spit it out."

She sighed. "There's nothin'. Just fairy stories, but one of 'em's got two tales in one book. An' I've never heard 'f this'n. The Folly of the Sparrow? Y' don' think that...?" Jade turned several pages into the unfamiliar story. Her eyes widened and she turned a little pale. She closed the book slowly.

"Jade?"

"This is the one we want," she said, numbly.

"Come on then," Jack called, pointing zealously at the ground. "Put it down so we can both reach it."

Jade blinked. "Yes, er...Cap'n." She placed the book gently upon the cold flagstones and lowered her fingers down towards the pages, watching as Jack mimicked her movements in scaled down proportions.

The words and images glimmered wetly and slithered from the book as inky serpents, splitting apart like dark webbing, coating the library wall to wall. The world about them changed once more.