No Nasty Surprises - Last Part

Chapter 3: The Frog Pirate


Once upon a time, a princess played in a beautiful garden with her shining blue ball. It was her favourite toy and upon its glittering surface was etched a repeating image of a leopard. She did not care that the hem of her dress and her violet shoes got muddy, nor that her chocolate-brown hair tangled with leaves. All she wished to do was to run around, throwing and catching, twirling and bouncing her treasured ball.

It came to pass that, in her enthusiasm, the ball slipped from her fingers and bounced into the well at the bottom of the garden.

"Ah, bugg'r'it!" she said, in not a very princess-like manner at all. She proceeded to let out a loud stream of colourful words, pounding her dainty fists on the stone wall of the well.

Now, it just so happened that someone had heard her cries. A face peered out from behind the bushes lining the garden and called out to her.

"Per'aps I might be of some assistance?"

The princess let out a gasp of surprise and turned to see a huge, slimy frog with bulging yellow eyes. Except, what was actually staring at her was a very much human face with a braided twin beard, long hair and a red bandanna. Neither of them seemed to be aware of this.

"Go away, y' slimy brute. What makes y' think y' can help me?"

The 'frog' stepped out from the hedges. There was a faint tinge of green to the pirate-garbed man's skin and his hands were somewhat flatter with large webs between the fingers. He grinned at her, which came across as a twinkle in the amphibian's eye.
"I would be willing to jump in that well and fetch back your bonny little ball, if you would promise me a small favour in return."

She raised her eyebrow. "I'm listenin'."

"Promise me that for three nights I can stay at your house, eat at your table and sleep in your bed. After that, you'll never see me ugly face again. You have me word."

The princess looked aghast. "Ugh! I can't let a horrid thing like you in the castle!"

Turning away, the 'frog' replied, "Good luck with your ball then."

"Wait!" The princess stamped her foot. "All right. Y' can stay. Yer only a frog, so what harm c'n it do? Now gimme my ball!"

The pirate bowed; the 'frog' pulsed out its throat. He climbed over the side of the well, gripped the bucket rope and descended into the darkness. A few moments later he was back up from the depths with the glistening blue ball. She snatched it from him eagerly and ran as fast as she could all the way back to the castle.

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That evening as she sat at the great dining table with her father, a monarch with an oddly plumed cap and a monkey on his shoulder, there came a knocking at the door of the banquet hall.

"Enter on in then, ye lousy cur!" bellowed the king.

A youth with a tiny moustache opened the door and revealed the dripping form of the slimy pirate.

"Majesty," said the servant. "There is a frog wishing to speak to her ladyship."

The princess turned pale.

The king frowned. "What be the meanin' o' this?"

And so she explained to her father about the promise she had made to the 'frog' in the garden in return for her lost toy. The king found this most amusing.

"Hahar! Well then, ye'd best be bringin' the young lady's hero inward. Can't be takin' back our promises, now can we? Place him beside me daughter and fetch him a platter so that he may join in the feast!"

It was done. The guest helped himself to the steaming array, plucking morsels onto his plate with his gooey, webbed fingers. The princess herself swiftly lost her appetite and looked pleadingly across at her rosy-cheeked father. To no avail.

Night fell and the mortified princess took her candle to her bedroom, the frog in her palm; or as the imagined audience perceived, the pirate took her hand and followed her up the stairs. She took herself aside to change into her nightclothes in privacy. Once she reached her lavish bed, she slipped under the silken sheets and lay as close to the edge – as far from the 'frog' as physically possible. It was a long night, but at last when she was sure the slippery creature was asleep she was finally able to drift.

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Jack's eyes fluttered open to the soft caress of morning light and overly comfortable bedding. Bewildered by the slow-lifting veil of sleep, the information of his surroundings dribbled into his conscious thought. He turned his head.
And promptly fell out of the bed.

The young woman he had been resting alongside sat bolt upright at the noise and only slightly calmed at the sight of him. "What's wrong?" she asked, a frown creeping across her features.

The pirate captain wobbled to his feet. "Er, nothin'. Abso...lutely, nothing." His eyes made a nervous darting movement. "You're not having any lingering thoughts on striking me in the face, then?"

The princess blinked a few times. "I shouldn't think Daddy would let me. Ain't hospitable to attack a guest, 'specially if he's a frog."

"A fr-." The memories stole upon him at last. Jack inspected his hands and shuddered at the webbing that joined his fingers. Forcing himself to look away from them, he turned his attention back to her and gestured emphatically. "Jade, wake up. We're still in the book."

She yawned and slid out of bed. "I dunno what yer on about. I said yeh could stay with me, but I didn' say nothin' about havin' t' talk with yer." After flinging on a dazzling gown behind a dressing screen, she sidled over to the bedroom mirror and placed a blue-stoned tiara upon her head. Jack saw her tying her blue scarf within her hair.

"Jade...I'm sorry, love, but you ain't no princess. And I'm not -."

Had she even allowed him to get that far, he would have had to hesitate. What could he possibly say? I'm not a frog, you've actually just spent the night next to a dirty pirate probably ten years your elder.

She rounded on him. "Don't yeh dare tell me 'm not a princess, you rotten toad! Yer lucky I don' break that bloody promise right now!" With that, she stormed out of the room and ran from his company.

Princess Jade did not return until well after nightfall, when it was time for the evening meal. The pirate 'frog' was already waiting in his place at the dinner table, having to force a straight face at the sight of the Barbossa-copy playing as king, and the only servant that appeared to be manning the castle wore none other than the face of Will Turner. They ate in silence, except for the odd comment thrown from the king to his daughter, and a brief tussle between Jack and the monkey over a leg of mutton.

Darkness filled the sky for the second night and the pirate found his hand seized roughly by the still-fuming princess. She dragged him to her chambers and set about making ready for bed.

Now that he had her alone, Jack timidly tried to reason with her again. "Look, love, there's something I've got to tell you, an' it's not something you're going to like, but jus' hear me out, savvy?"

From behind her wooden screen, she made a grunt of annoyance. "If yeh goin' t' tell me I ain't a princess again, I'll squash yeh un'er a cushion."

"Um...not exactly. Thing is, princess," he said between his teeth, "I'm not really a frog. Or a toad. I might look like one, but I'm not. I'm...Jack. Captain Jack, to be precise."

Jade reappeared from behind the screen, disrobed into her nightdress. "Fine. Whatever y' say. Well I'm goin' t' bed, Jack, so shut yeh croakin' gob an' keep the slime to yer own pillow, aw'ight?"

Jack sighed. "You don't remember anything do you?"

"'member what?" came the muffled voice from the puffy duvet.

The Captain winced. He placed his hat upon an antique end table, slipped off his boots, gave his malformed hands a distasteful glance and climbed into the birthday-cake-pink bed. Hoping for a better morning, he took in a breath of enchanted air and blew out the candle.

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Upon the next dawn, the princess woke. She lifted her face from the frumpy pillow, an unflattering array of crease-lines latticing her cheek. Making a sleepy groan, she turned onto her back and became aware of the weighty bulk of cosiness pinning her against the frighteningly smooth sheets.

Something shifted beside her and she froze. Her green eyes wavered before slowly sliding to the right and seeing the all-too-familiar pirate lying with his back to her. She bunched her hands into fists though did nothing further. He was nigh on fully clothed, which was of a little comfort to her. But only a little.

It was a blessing that she had not yet retrieved her dagger from him for she was sorely tempted to exact some sort of punishment for letting her get into this situation. Scowling, she sat up, holding the covers over her less than enough clothing and gave the Captain a sharp poke in between the shoulder blades.

"Jack," she hissed.

"Ngnh?"

Another jab in the back startled him into rolling over to face her, poised to shield himself against the entity that attacked him as he slept. They seemed just as surprised as one another.

Jade raised her eyebrows. "Jack...why are yeh green?"

The pirate sucked his teeth, looking up at her from where he lay huddled under the quilt. "Because, Jade, that is the general colour one perceives a frog to be."

Her emerald eyes glowered. "You're not a frog."

Jack's voice oozed with sarcasm. "Oh really? I hadn't noticed." He threw aside his half of the covers so that they glomped on top of her, and got up to wander the room. "Come to your senses at last. I was beginning to think I'd be trapped 'ere forever. Still, could be worse I suppose. Good food, good rest...and as for the company..." He paused as Jade extracted herself from the fabric and glared at him. "Tolerable."

With a rebellious growl, she wrapped the vast quilt about her and hopped in the direction of the dressing screen. Jack smirked and folded his arms, watching her crossing with amusement.

"Why do I get the feeling that if I told you it was pointless to hide what had already been seen, you would nonetheless continue making a fool of y'self?"

Jade did not respond. She hopped the last hop to the screen and toppled behind it in search of more concealing garments. As she scrabbled to put on the flowing gown that she so despised, the pirate loitered at the door.

"Your modesty is endearing, darling, but irrelevant. A woman's form need not be masked with such pomp." He grinned. "Who knows? Someone else might appreciate a glimpse of where the places kissed by Caribbean sun meet the pale."

Jack bolted down the stairs, the anguished shriek of the 'princess' echoing at his back.

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When the rage had subsided and the desperation of escape become close to unbearable, Jade finally sought the pirate captain out. As was usual with these fairy-tale surroundings, there were much fewer places to roam than the outer image of the castle would suggest. She soon found him lounging about in the gardens seated upon a carved stone bench, gazing into the opened face of his compass with a distant weariness.

Fingers clutched tightly to her skirts, having to hold them in bunches above the dew-strewn grass, she strode over to him. Jack looked up just the once before quietly returning his attention to the quivering needle.

"C'n I have my knife back?"

The needle hovered around in a circle, slowing to an unnatural sweep, like a determined clock-hand. Jack snapped the lid shut. His forest-complexioned face turned to her.
"The answer of course depends on what it is you intend to do with it once it is returned."

She had to take in a substantial breath before replying, "C'n we settle f'r what I won't do with it?"

Jack shifted along the seat, gesturing for her to sit beside him. This she did, although hesitantly.

"So what went wrong?" he wondered. "The book you had, you said it was the one what would take us back 'ome."

Jade nodded, picking irritably at loose threads on her dress. "Yeh, but 'twas mixed up with this'n. I thought we'd jump in t' the exact page we touched, but we musta jes' started from the beginning."

The pirate brightened. "Then there's no worries, is there? We just play this one out and we're back, aye?"

The young woman peered gloomily out at the garden through the straggles of her unbrushed hair. In contrast the damp grass sparkled cheerily, butterflies sashayed off past polished marble statues of arcing dolphins, and the sun sprinkled like gold dust out of treetops.

"I d'no how," she mumbled. "'M not well read up on many of these. An' I don' trust it. The book. What if it don' wan' us t' leave? We c'd die here, Jack. What if we have? Jus' souls trapped f'rever, haunting some rotten ol' volume o' morals."

His arm crept about her almost without thought. "At least it's better than the Locker."

Jade shifted her eyes to see his look of feigned, childish innocence. She sniffed back the onset of despairing tears, at once feeling annoyed with herself and blaming the emotion upon the stereotype she was being forced to play.

"At least then it was only you goin' mad. An' if mem'ry serves, y' also tried to hurt me there." She watched him move his gaze awkwardly to the surrounding scenery, although his arm remained, his fingertips lingering just above her elbow. "I don' fancy my chances if y' start with the weirdness an' homicidal wolf stuff ag'in."

Jack withdrew slightly, only to lay his hand upon her nearest shoulder. "Herein I can at least provide you with a consolation point. There're no nasty surprises in this story." His kohl-smudged eyelids drooped slyly.

The 'princess' tried to ignore the pirate's demeanour. "That's what y' said last time..." she muttered under her breath. "So whazzit we got t' do? Jus' one more day of eatin' an' sleepin' the high life an' it's over? An' what's with th' frog thing?"

Jack tapped his green-hued fingers upon her, choosing his words carefully. "Well, as alleged by the tale, the princess tolerates having the frog around her castle and then..."

Jade made a quizzical expression. "Then...?"

His hand paused in mid tap. "He turns into a prince."

She blinked at him for a moment. Then the corners of her mouth turned upwards and a snigger escaped her.

"Now that I'll 'ave t' see t' believe."

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The evening's banquet was a quiet one, which made both of the sea-faring protagonists uncomfortable. King Barbossa was absent from the meal, leaving only his pet monkey who sat in the middle of the table watching every morsel lifted from the platters. Without the unnerving stare blasting at them, they might have felt less like this was a compulsory occasion and enjoyed it. Some other universe overlayed translucently with a noisy food fight, riddled with laughter. Theirs was filled with the anti-silence of scraping cutlery and rabbit-like nibbling.

"Gah! Tha' was horrible!" Jade blurted upon entering her chambers. "C'd hardly eat with that thing gogglin' at me. 'M starved, but I ain't goin' back down there."

She ruffled off behind the screen to change out of the enormous frock. A chest of drawers relinquished a tasteful dressing gown to cover the scant nightdress. When she emerged, Jack was sat with his back against the headboard of the bubblegum-toned bed, legs outstretched and muddy boots planted on top of the covers. Jade had to bite her lip to keep a straight face at the picture he made, though a growl from her stomach distracted her.

No sooner had she clambered beneath the sheets, Jack extended his webbed hand to reveal a small cluster of grapes and a few scraps of roasted meat. She took it with a swiftness akin to snatching.

"Thank y'."

He smiled as she wolfed down the leftovers and, sliding himself downwards a little way, he tipped his hat over his eyes. When she had polished off the last of the food, Jade burrowed down into the warm confines of the bed, not caring for the possibility of indigestion.

"'S been an... interesting affair, en'it?" she mumbled.

"Mmhm." The hat nodded.

"Guess I'll see y' in the morn' then. Back on y' ship?"

"Aye," Jack said quietly. The Pearl...

If she had spoken further, the pirate did not hear. He sank into slumber, and she followed soon after.

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Jade awoke in shocking proximity to dangling beads and a scent tainted with the faded remnants of many a night spent in a rum-filled stupor. Her emerald eyes gawked up into the dark-circled brown irises belonging to the Captain as he crouched over her.

"Jack, what the f-?" In her haste to escape she conveniently cut off her curse, scrambling out of the bed. Clutching the dressing gown to her, she grabbed her dagger from where it rested on the end-table and kept it poised to defend. "I jes' knew yeh would turn on me."

Sparrow winced shamefacedly. "It wasn't what it looked like..."

"I'm givin' yeh a very limited time to explain y'self before I use this t' draw yeh top t' tail." Fearful anger radiated from the young woman.

"We're still in the book. The story did not end."

Jade made no reply, not wanting to be caught unawares by the wolf again.

"I know how to get us out. You just have to trust me," said Jack. "Per'aps I was somewhat inaccurate in my previous detailing of what 'ad to be done to complete this little tale."

Her lip trembled. "H-how inaccurate are we talkin'?"

Jack stepped down to the floor, softly treading towards her. Was that a slight squelch she could hear in his boots? "As with all folk stories, there can be several versions. Sometimes in this one the frog merely stays the three nights and when the girl wakes up, twinkle of flashy lights - there's your prince. There has even been the occasional telling where the frog does not set a specific amount of time and the princess must endure his company for longer – Jade, stop backin' away."

The 'princess' halted her reversing feet. "I promised three nights, nothin' else. It should be over," she whined.

Ever watchful of the white stone knife, Jack edged closer, palms raised in surrender. Unfortunately his tendency to be unable to keep his membrane-linked fingers still only increased her unease. "Calm yourself, missy, I'm not going to hurt you. It is one of the most memorable recitations of 'The Frog Prince' that requires the princess to do one tiny little favour."

Jade paled. Yet, somewhere at the back of her mind, she felt as though she had always known the true answer. Even if at this present moment she mistakenly feared much worse.
"Well spit it out then," she said, hand tightening upon the dagger hilt.

"It's very simple. One kiss, and the spell is undone."

She blinked. Colour returned to her knuckles. "A...kiss?" Her defences gradually evaporated. "Just...a kiss?"

Jack nodded. There was an air about him that begged to be described as smug, but it was masked with a look of neutrality.

She lowered the dagger. "Christ, Jack. Y' had me scared out o' my wits."

The Captain grinned. "Come dear, am I really so repulsive?"

"Y' green an' slimy f'r a start..." she mumbled. Then, before he could say anything further, she stepped forwards and brushed her lips upon his cheek. She withdrew so hastily it was as though it had never happened. The green tint to Jack's skin faded, leaving behind his usual sun-touched colour. The webbing of his fingers melted out of existence. However, nothing further happened.

"We're still here," said Jade, her quiet voice cutting through the anxious silence. "You're not a frog any more. It should have finished the story. You said it would, Jack!"

Captain Sparrow reached out and took hold of her arms, taking care not to be too firm whilst she still held her blade. "I'm deeply sorry to have to dash your hopes of getting away with that pathetic excuse for an embrace, missy, but I don't exactly look like a prince. By my approximation, all you need do is finish the task and we'll be back before you know it."

Jade pinked. I'll bet he's just loving this.

"I hope yeh realise this has completely put me off readin' anythin' ever agin." She broke away from him and trudged back over to the end-table where she placed her dagger out of harm's way. Then she turned back to Jack, not able to look him in the face. "Let's get this over with then."

He approached her with a discomfiting smile. "Afraid you'll acquire a taste?"

"More like lose the sense altogether," Jade scoffed. She leaned over to repeat the peck to his cheek but gave out a stifled cry as Jack snatched hold of her and pressed his lips to her own. Her eyes widened in shock, attempting to signal distress to his, but they remained shielded behind his kohl-painted lids.

Jade struggled, but only her arms listened and they were trapped too tightly to move. Some part of her gave in; a part she begged herself to believe was a remnant of the snotty princess, her frame wilting as of a puppet with cut strings. Jack drew her closer, what little strength she had to fight with merely turning them in a clumsy waltz about the room. With a last desperate attempt for her mind to defeat her body, she shoved him back. He slammed into the bedroom wall, pulling her with him. Tears began to form in the corners of her eyes as they drifted into closure. All she wanted was to -

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They hit the cabin floor. A few metres away the book dropped from the doors and slammed shut. The sound of voices funnelled into hearing range, footsteps approached.

"- the hell is that dratted Sparrow? We've not adjusted course for days..."

Surreal burst into the room, sending the tome skimming across the boards. Her gaze fell upon the image of the two frock-coated, bandanna-clad pirates grappled together on the ground. Jade pulled back from her position atop Jack and shot the assassin the look of a cornered cat.

"I won't even bother to ask." Surreal rolled her eyes and stalked back out onto the deck.

Jade scrambled to her feet and brushed her sleeve across her lips, heart thumping guiltily in her chest.

"We're back," Jack spoke for her, in no great hurry as he eased himself upright. "Told you you could trust me."

Miss Starfall did not reply. She scurried across to the discarded book and grabbed it from where it lay. Avoiding looking at him altogether, she made for the doors. She almost bumped into him as he slid across to bar her exit. "Le' me past Jack," she said, her eyes averted.

"What troubles you, darlin'? Dissatisfied that the frog did not transform? You know...we could always reconvene our indecorous dance. More times the charm, eh?"

Jade mumbled coldly, "Y' could never be a prince."

The Captain gave her a complacent smile. "Whyever would I want to? Now, a king, that's another matter entirely. Which, as it 'appens, can be attained with considerable ease after becoming a prince. All one need do is find the means to bump off the old man, and the wealth of the land is yours to plunder."

The emerald eyes glittered up at him heatedly. "You...you're jes'...ineffable." Jade ducked past him and pushed through the cabin doors. She bustled along the deck to the port side rail and watched the dark waves roll under the clouded sky. She heaved the great book onto the ledge. Half of it slipped from her fingers, falling open to reveal a mirrored tableau of herself in an ornate gown, bejewelled and glad. The pictured Jade rested in the arms of the flamboyant nobleman, his regal cloak barely covering his wayward clothing, his gleaming coronet an outlandish contrast to the kohl circling his eyes. It sickened her to the stomach.

With a loud growl Jade smacked the book shut, immediately wincing at the imagined sound from the page she had seen in the giant's castle. Her memory peered down into the framed illustration of the ship's shadowy hold. The frozen scene of her standing there, arm outstretched, pistol smoking, Jack lying unmoving upon the boards. She bit her lip until she tasted the irony flavour of blood. Then she hurled the old book into the ocean.

Temper, temper. You know all too well he's only teasing. Why are you getting so riled up?

She muttered against the voice in her head, "I'm not. I don' care. Even if he did get us out, he's still an arrogant -."

- pirate? Since when did you start seeking out immaculate princes in their over-sized thrones? They're not your sort.

Jade scoffed, "An' he is?"

Why not?

"Well..."

Go on...

"Self respect f'r starters. I ain't stupid. Half the world knows of 'im. He has his pick of thickheaded tarts without needin' me as a trinket."

But you're different. You're like him.

"Gerroutofit. An' even if I was, I'm not the only outlaw of my gender in these waters."

Excuses.

"In any fashion, if I cared, I've got a bloody good reason why I wouldn' even cross his mind f'r anythin' serious."

Oh?

"I shot 'im."

That was in the Locker. He didn't really die. Doesn't count.

"I still did it. Won't make no diff'rence. He'd never trust me, if he ever has."

So? Not like you trust him either...

"There's no point t' any of this. We're jes' frien- acquaint'nces. He's the Cap'n, an' I'm jes' stayin' aboard f'r as long as it suits meh."

Well, if he's worthless to you, turn him in. Lure him back to Beckett or some mildly more agreeable authority and claim the reward. Go down in history as the girl who captured the infamous Jack Sparrow.

"It's an option, I s'pose," she mumbled.

The familiar sound of his haphazard bootsteps made her turn. She watched him swing around the stair rails and ascend to the quarterdeck, the flicker of oil lanterns soon kindling his silhouette at the helm. Wishing she could kick herself at her inner confusion, Jade trudged up the stairs to stand alongside the Captain.

There was no land in sight and he did not appear to turn the wheel in any distinct direction, as though he were just standing there for the sheer pleasure of being in control of the ship. He stared ahead aimlessly, soaking in the freedom for which he so obviously lived.

"Come to renegotiate with the slimy rāna-rēgulus?"

She clenched her jaw at his quiet yet scurrilous tone. With a speed that startled him, her hand shot below his belt and grasped the glossy container of his compass. She lifted it between them and flipped the lid, revealing the lethargically rotating needle.
Jade looked up at him, forcing a straight expression at the dark mischief playing on his face. The needle kept on spinning. She continued to stare at him. He broke into a grin. The needle started to slow. Jack melted his smile to match the young woman's stare. Slower and slower...

Jack's eyes dropped. Before he could satisfy his curiosity, Jade snapped the compass shut. She turned to look across the helm again, standing side by side with the captain of the Black Pearl.

"Apparently we skipped a few days on our adventures," he said, his gaze returning to the distant bowsprit. "One more turn of the hourglass will make it twenty-fifth of the twelfth month, in all its worldly celebratory capacity."

"Jack."

The Captain's eyes slid lazily to rest upon her shadowed form, the chill night breeze ruffling her hair in an unsubtly epic manner.

"Jes' shut it." Jade leaned against his shoulder, eyelids closed to protect herself from the inevitable conceited grin that the pirate captain wore. But this time he postponed the smirk and lost himself in the drift of the ship, and for once it seemed she could trust him.

At least for a little while.