As Bad As It Looks - Part 1

"Trust me, Rory, this'll be the best stag party you'll ever have, ever!"

The Doctor danced around the TARDIS console, turning taps and jimmying levers.

"Forget ladies in cakes, well, the one you didn't have. Forget enormous fake rude parts and regrettable karaoke. This will be a night to remember!"

His current companion, who looked as though he had been dragged out of bed at four o'clock in the morning, made a pained face. "Doctor, I really don't think this is necessary. Amy and I are already married." He paused in rubbing sleep from his eyes to add, "For about a year… and then we had a baby… who is now older than us and...married to you -."

"Sort of."

"Sort of married to you."

"Nonsense, Rory, this is absolutely necessary. I'll never live with myself knowing I ruined your first one. I mean – bursting out in front of your friends and letting out that Amy kissed me – terribly embarrassing."

Rory scowled. "And yet you still keep bringing it up."

The Doctor peered guiltily from behind the console. "Yes..." Breaking eye contact, he continued to poke buttons and turn dials. "Anyway, like you said, I'm sort of married now, so it can be a joint stag adventure!" He ducked out of sight and reappeared with a ludicrous piece of headgear. "Look, I even have the antlers!"

"Doctor, I don't know what the general standing is with ethics as a Time Lord, but it's not typically acceptable to do... stag stuff... once you've got married."

"Not to worry, Mr Pond," The Doctor replied, grinning. "The best thing about where I'm taking you is that it's all pretend. Absolutely harmless to a relationship so long as you only visit the once." He nudged Rory on the arm as he passed. "Especially good if you've got a really understanding other half."

Rory nodded. "River doesn't know about this, does she?" It was hardly considered a question.

"No."

"Amy's going to kill me, isn't she?"

"Not if she doesn't find out."


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A gleaming scene of lawns and cobble paths, dabbed with picnic tables and chattering families, presented itself beyond the open door of the TARDIS. Sculptures sprouted from the varying coloured grasses, shapely but tasteful, jetting water at children playing. At least, they were probably children. Some of those shrieking in delight had wings instead of arms or purple decagons instead of eyeballs; others had what seemed to be party streamers for hair, hair which came out of their backs like strange, wonderful spikes. Rory gaped at a little girl who ran shrieking past him in pursuit of a duck. His gaze then moved skyward to the stretch of cityscape: vast spires and splendid domes, crowned with the soft hues of a controlled atmosphere; pinks, greens and golds.

The Doctor closed the door behind them and walked ahead, eyes and smile bright, his arms spread wide.  "Welcome to Hedonis 4, the best pleasure planet in the universe. Taps into your wildest dreams and desires and brings them to life. Well, maybe not your wildest dreams. The fleeting ones, the fantasies, the ones you only talk about when you get too drunk to stop yourself. Kind of like one big stonking game of Spin the Bottle, except you don't have to kiss anyone you don't like. I'm blathering again, and that made it sound rubbish." Lacking his companion's input, he turned. "Why have you got your fingers in your ears?"

"Cold shower, cold shower, cold shower..."

Rolling his eyes, The Doctor walked over and pulled Rory's arms down. "It's okay, Rory. This is the family friendly section. Your thoughts aren't going to start popping out all over the place. Look, see? Ooh, did you see that? He's got an Ixelskater, always wanted a go on one of those. Absolutely smashing. Oh yeah, and over there's an inter-galactic theme park. Makes Disney feel like an old merry-go-round." He laughed, sorely tempted to head in that direction. Instead he let his glee trail off into an odd cringing noise and turned to face the vast complex further along the cobbled path. "Come along then, Pond. We're not boys now." He straightened his bowtie and marched on, felt antlers and all.

"I'm not... it's Williams!" Rory sighed and followed.

They arrived in a plainly-decorated lobby. Clusters of white sofas and bizarrely-shaped stools harboured relaxing customers whilst black-scaled reptilian creatures sashayed about in suits behind a beige counter. The Doctor approached the vendors, leaving Rory to blink oafishly at the clientele. Humanoids in expensive clothes walked by arm-in-arm, sharing secret giggles; translucent, shapeless beings hovered by, singing and likely inebriated; and something that could only be described as a blue squid was lounging and bubbling on a settee. After that, he almost fainted at what he saw next.

"Amy..." he choked.

"Here, idiot, put this on." His wife reached out and slapped a black device around his arm. She then proceeded to place one hand on the hip of her pyjamas and offered him a cup of dark liquid with her other. "Coffee?"

"Er..."

The Doctor sauntered over, now with what looked like a fraction of a headset nestled neatly beneath his antlers.  "Ah, I see you've got your Tinter band. Great stuff. Okay, now, you just need to stick this at your temple," he waved a thin curve of plastic identical to the thing he was wearing, "and we're ready to go."

"Doctor..." Rory pointed to Amy.

"Hello," The Doctor said and offered his arm. Another device appeared in Amy's hand and was fitted to his wrist. He looked back to Rory, nonplussed. "What's the matter? Drink up. The Tinter devices partly respond to particles in the bloodstream, but you have to ingest them first."

"Doctor... it's Amy..."

With a particularly smug smile, the Doctor tilted his head and looked at her. "Is it?"

"Well, yeah, it rather looks a lot like her," Rory said, annoyed.

"No, no, no. This is a hostess. Or host. Depends on your perspective, who's addressing it. It's a simulation around a robotic core, designed to put guests at ease."

"I really don't feel at ease."

"Why? Is she malfunctioning? Images are supposed to be quite tame out here, scanning surface memories. You haven't even had chance to adjust the settings." The Doctor lowered his voice to a whisper. "She's not wearing that skirt again, is she?"

"No, it's just -." Rory hesitated. "You mean you can't see her?"

"As I said, depends on perspective. The hosts appear differently to whoever interacts with them. The Tinters you're wearing will activate once inside the proper complex. Then you can pick and choose, see the sights, make things as private or open as you like. It's a clever thing, won't go any further into the dark spots of your mind than you allow and won't bring out any of those visions of things that make you squirm after two seconds of thought process. Bad for business."

"As a nurse, I'm strongly advising myself not to drink this." Rory winced and then took the cup of fake coffee from his simulated wife. He gulped it down, finding it to be cold and reminding him of raisins. The Doctor followed his example and then started walking.

"Off we go. Lots to see! Rory and The Doctor's Stag-A-Thon 2011!" He spun in mid-stride to pull a face. "Not calling it that. The t-shirts would be awful."

Rory fidgeted nervously, gaze evading the door they were heading toward. "Doctor, exactly how many times have you been here?" Despite his fear, the sourness in his tone remained sharp as ever.

"Two or three."

"Is that hundreds or thousands we're counting in?"

"Oi! I resent that torrent of implications. I'll have you know my previous visits were of a business or purely by-standing nature, although Miss Laena's in the spa region does do a cracking massage."

"So who do the hosts look like to you?"

"None of your business."